On July 26, 2017, my mother passed away. I feel broken. My mother was the one person in this world that I knew without a doubt that had my back. A mother’s love is unconditional. That’s something I never fully realized until I had a child of my own. Then it was like the scales fell from my eyes and I appreciated all the sacrifices that she made for me.
Now that she’s gone, I feel this gaping hole in my heart. Sure, I have moments where I’m ok, but I have more when I’m not. I keep thinking about how beautiful she was, how she had the ability to make a friend anywhere, and that she loved to help people.
If I’m honest, I am not coping well with her loss. It’s only four days and it feels like she’s just on vacation and she’ll call me any moment and then it hits me. I’m never going to get that phone call. I’m never going to feel her arms around me, hugging me, telling me she loves me and I lose it all over again. This pain is unlike I’ve ever felt. I lost my grandmother, and I grieved, but it was such a different grief. What I’m feeling is utter devastation. It’s like a wrecking ball has brought down the life that I have built. I am so used to calling her five or six times a day to make sure she’s ok. I’d go over to make sure her medicine was all set for the next two weeks.
I am broken, shattered into a million little pieces and I have no idea how to put them back together. I know that it will take time and that hole that she left behind will remain, but as time goes on, that hole will be filled with the memories that we shared, the love and the bond that, no matter where she is, can never be broken.
I can rest in the knowledge that I was with her to the end like I promised her I would be. I took care of her to the end, just like I promised I would be. I have no regrets because I made sure she was taken care of in life, and in death, I still am. I may feel weak now, but I know this, I am my mother’s daughter and I will survive, just like she taught me to.